Gender is the most powerful determinant of how a person views the world and everything in it.  It’s more powerful than age, income, race or geography. – excerpt from Why She Buys: The New Strategy for Reaching the World’s Most Powerful Consumers by Bridget Brennan

When I was in college studying to be a secondary education teacher, I took a class called “Culture and Schooling.”  This was one of the most interesting courses I took in college.  It’s a class that I took over 9 years ago and I still remember it.   It’s my opinion it should have been required for every student at that University.

The purpose of the course was to teach us how culture affects every student in our classrooms.   One of the requirements of the class was to right an autobiography.  In the autobiography we were to explore how our race, our gender, our religious beliefs, our family environment, our neighborhoods, and anything else we could think of influenced our school experience.

I don’t remember what I wrote.  But what I do remember are the great discussions we had in class.  The teacher who made the assignment shared a great deal with us about how her culture and her schooling sometimes collided.  In that class I learned the real meaning of words like assimilation, conditioning and culture.   In that class I also learned we are assimilated into our group through the culture of that group.  The culture of a group teaches you what is acceptable and what is not.

Until about the age of 22, I would say the strongest determinant of how I viewed the world was race not gender.  Race was always on my mind.  In elementary, junior high and high school I attended schools where black kids were the minority.   As a result,  for college I decided to attend an HBCU (historically black college/university).    After 3 years at that school,  I got married and moved to Arizona.   (My husband and I had both done college internships together in Arizona.  When he was offered a position after graduation, it was natural for us to move there.)  Well,  I don’t know how much you know about Arizona, but there are no HBCUs here, which didn’t bother me, but it was a very different experience.

I went from a school where black culture was the norm, where I was apart of the majority, to a school where I was the only black student in ALL my classes.   Being a southern girl didn’t help either, because that’s a completely different culture (and a completely different post).  I spent a lot of time trying to compensate for my southern accent (which is not as distinct as it used to be).    I tried to look past the cultural differences, but it was a challenge, I must admit.  Over the years, I’ve grown to the point where I am not nearly as sensitive about this as I used to be.

Now back to Bridget’s statement.  I’ve come back to it over and over again.  Is it really true?  Is gender really the most powerful determinant of how people view the world?  I don’t know if I agree with it or not.   I feel my viewpoint now, as a Christian, has a greater impact on how I view the world than the fact that I’m a woman.   Maybe I’m wrong, I just know that  I’m not convinced, yet.    I’m interested to know what you think.  Has your gender influenced you more than your race, your income status, your religious beliefs, or your geography?  What examples do you have from your own life or someone else’s life to support your belief?

We will continue talking about this book  this week.  Please, check back tomorrow, as we discuss more points from the book and how it can be used to brainstorm business ideas or to help you grow your business.

At some point in my life I think I will own my own bookstore.  It is one of the most exciting places in the world to me.  All that information right there for you to devour.  Walk into any bookstore large or small and it’s evident that bookstore owners understand the way their stores make us feel.  They invite you to relax and stay awhile by offering you food and drinks.    There are big cozy chairs and benches.  There’s a section for your kids to play and read their books.   There’s a section for movie and music lovers.  Health enthusiasts have workout videos, meal plans and cookbooks they can browse through.  Artists and crafters have their special space.  Travelers can fantasize about upcoming vacations or reminisce about previous trips.  There’s even a section for comic or graphic novel lovers.   There is an abundance of books on parenting.  There’s magazines for just about any kind of interest you can think of.   There are bookmarks, paper weights, stationary, gift bags and big books of maps.  There is literally something for everyone from Christians to atheists, for the single or married, for parents, grandparents and everyone in between.    We know the saying like a kid in a candy store.   Well,  for me books are my candy.

On this particular trip to the big, beautiful bookstore I knew that I wanted to get a book that would help me improve various areas of my business.   One book grabbed my attention, Why She Buys: The New Strategy 4 Reaching the World’s Most Powerful Consumers.   This author has given some interesting insights into women as consumers.  There are some things I question.  I will share more about that in my next few blog posts.

What is the best non-fiction book you’ve read in the last 6 months?

Back in the early 90s when I was a college intern there were not a lot of hair salon choices for African-American women in Phoenix.   I was quite capable of doing my own hair, but I had a special occasion coming up and I wanted a more polished look.    I think I found my salon, as most women do when they move to a new city, through a referral.    I called the salon and booked my appointment.  I remember how the salon looked inside, but I don’t remember the name of it or the stylist who did my hair.   I probably blocked it out of my memory.

My appointment was early Saturday morning for a shampoo and a style.  A shampoo and a style for black women means your hair is washed, blow dryed and curled with a flat iron.   When the stylist took my hair down and saw how thick it was, I think she panicked.    She told me she wanted to do a relaxer instead.    I told her that she couldn’t because I had just washed my hair that Thursday evening.   It wasn’t that my hair couldn’t be styled without giving me a fresh relaxer treatment.  She had come to the realize my hair was not going to be as “easy” as she had expected and she needed a shortcut solution.

Again I told her, as far as I knew you could not have a relaxer within at least 72 hours of washing your hair.   She told me she would put the relaxer on really quickly and that she would only leave it on for a few minutes.  I know.  I know.  I can hear you shouting at the computer like it was a horror movie.  Don’t do it!  Don’t do it!  Against my better judgment, because I didn’t want to be seen as difficult, I let her.   As a result, I had one of the worst chemical burns I’ve ever had in my life.   Needless to say that was my first and last time going to that salon.

I allowed this woman to put a relaxer on my hair even when I knew what the outcome would be.   Only now – looking back – have I realized I should have insisted she NOT give me the relaxer.  As Doctor Phil would say, “we teach people how to treat us.”

My hair was gorgeous, but it wasn’t worth the burns.

What lessons have you learned that you thought were about your hair (or other external things) but were really about adjustments you needed to make?   Please, share in the comments below.

In case you were wondering, here’s the result of the torture hair treatment:

Hair is a very big deal in American culture.  It is very BIG business in the African-American culture, especially.   It is estimated that black hair care is currently a $9 billion industry.  WHOA!!!    One of the rites of passage for many young girls in the African-American community is getting a relaxer. This product is used to straighten kinky or course textured hair.

(Relaxers are a very controversial subject in the world of hair care.  This post is not to debate the issue of to relax or not to relax.    It is simply to share some of my (mis)adventures in the wonderful world of relaxed hair.)

I believe I was in junior high when I received my first relaxer. To be honest it was not my first choice. I begged my mother for a jheri curl…   Before you laugh, let me remind you I grew up during the 80s and 90s, so this would not be unusual.     Anyway, back to my story….   I begged my mother for a jheri curl.    What did she do?   She went to the store and bought a jheri curl kit and a relaxer kit.    I don’t remember how, but my younger sister got the jheri curl and I got the relaxer.   It seemed like the day after my mom put that jheri curl kit on my sister’s hair, curls went out of style.    I’m not kidding you.

I remember over twenty something years ago getting that first relaxer.    It felt like my mother had taken a match and set my hair on fire! My mother and many other mothers weren’t educated to the proper application of a relaxer. This resulted in many chemical burns for me over the years.

One of the worst encounters I can remember was when my mom had one of her best friends relax my hair.    She had a brilliant idea of how to keep me from having a chemical burn.   Her solution: Sea Breeze.    Pour an alcohol based product over a scalp that is basically one big open sore -  NOT one of her best ideas.   Needless, to say, I know what it’s like to have a scab crusted scalp.

One of my other top 5 worst hair days was when I was in college. One of the beautification rituals in my dorm involved doing your hair on the weekends to get ready for whatever event was happening on campus.  This particular weekend I was not able to go home for the weekend to my stylist. Therefore, like the naive (and dumb) 19 or 20 year old that I was at the time, I let my dormmate give me the relaxer.

Here’s where we went wrong.

We violated the basic rules of Relaxer 101.

Relaxer 101

• NEVER use a SUPER relaxer on your hair.   This strength relaxer should have skull and crossbones on it.
• Always use a protective coating on your scalp AND around your hairline.
• NEVER allow another naive (and dumb) 19 or 20 year old to apply your relaxer.

CAUTION, DUMMY: If you do NOT heed Relaxer 101, you will end up like me – with a huge chemical burn right on your forehead as evidence of your stupidity to the world.

I have just one more horror hair story for you tomorrow.   This story is probably one of the most revealing to me about my own personality.

These stories I’m sharing are leading up to a post I have planned about some lessons I’ve learned about my hair and my identity and I want to share them with you.   Leave me a comment about one of your horror hair stories.   If you have any pictures, we would love to see them.   We promise not to laugh (too loudly).

I’ve been doing my own hair since I was about 12 years old.  Those early days were pitiful attempts I must admit. My mother did not relinquish full control of my hair to me, but she would allow me to experiment with certain styles.  Through the years, I have gained so many hair stories.  They are funny now, but trust me they were definitely not funny at the time.  When you are a self-conscious, awkward, sensitive teen the simplest things can turn your world upside down and inside out.  I want to share a few of my stories with you before I tell you what I did.

I can still recall one of my hair stories from junior high like it was yesterday.   My mom has always done a really great job with my hair (and my two sisters).  If I’m not mistaken this story happened when I got my very first roller set.  I wanted a curly hair style.  Unfortunately, (for both of us) we had not experimented with roller sets before.  I don’t remember everything about what happened.  What I do remember is my mom taking the rollers out of my hair on the morning of school.  Instead of loose flowing curls I had very tight curls all over my head.  We thought combing through the curls would loosen them up, but it didn’t.  Consequently, I essentially ended up with a very tight curly afro.  Now don’t get me wrong, if this had been a decade earlier I would have been fine.  But, this hair fiasco happened in the 80s when big hair was the norm.  To top it off, I lived in the South where Aquanet hairspray was apart of every girl’s hair arsenal.  So, hairwise (is that a word?), this was the worst possible scenario.

I think I spent an hour in the bathroom that morning (in tears, of course) trying to free myself from one of my top 5 worst hair days.  I was in junior high at the time AND I walked to school.  I remember that day being the longest 5-7 minute walk of my life.  Needless to say, I was late for class, because I had fussed with my ‘fro for so long.  My first class of the day was band – a class where you don’t get to sit in a row and just mind your own business.  I walked into class late with the meanest face any tween can give.  It’s the don’t-mess-with-me-I’m-having-a-bad-hair-day face. (Every woman has one.)  Well, all the other students in the class understand “the face”.  The best way to describe their faces when I walked into that classroom was P-I-T-Y.  No one really gave me any eye contact – out of fear, I think.  However, my wonderfully sensitive teacher (who I couldn’t remember his name or face right now if I tried) did the dumbest thing a teacher could do in a situation like this – he put all the attention on me.  He looked at me and said, “Oh, Kendra.  I see you have a new hairstyle.”  I don’t really remember anything after that because I think I may have blacked out.  The only thing I remember happening is all the tears I had been holding in came pouring out of me.

Here’s what I envisioned:

Before you feel sorry for me, I survived.  I was actually able to laugh at some point during the day (not about my hair, of course).

Here is a pic that I found that I think would best illustrate my hairstyle: (Here’s what I got)

I have another story for you tomorrow about the reason I will never look at a bottle of Sea Breeze the same way again.

I’m sharing a few hair stories this week as I lead up to my post “I did something I’ve never done before. Change – it’s the new me.”  I would love to hear your hair stories, recent or old.  If you have a blog and a pic of a bad hair day, could we see it?

Back to the example I started with,  I have a question for you.  What are you wearing around in your daily life as a mom?  I’ve been on an adventure this year with many ups and downs as I pursue my dream of being an entrepreneur, while also fulfilling my dream of having the flexibility of being home when my children are home.   For most of this year I’ve worn a perfectionist mindset.  A perfectionist attitude reveals itself in various ways – for me it means I will read, study and research  a topic to an extreme.  I gather, gather, gather and gather some more information on it, because I don’t want to make a mistake.

There is so much I have to learn about what it means to be an mompreneur.  I thought I could read enough books, attend enough seminars, watch enough videos or listen to enough podcasts on the subject to get it all right the first time.  (What’s sooo funny?  Who are you laughing at?)  Well, as I’m sure you know, life doesn’t work like that.    Experience has been one of the best teachers I could have, because she’s taught me that reading about AIN’T quite the same as living it.

Here are a few other things I’ve learned:

“Doing both” (you know that cutesy thing I call my motto) is far more challenging than I imagined.  Who’s bright idea was it that I give birth to a baby and start a business around the same time? Oh yeah, it was mine.  Why didn’t someone warn me? Oh yeah, they did.

Once you have your BIG idea and you start committing the time, money and energy to it,  people expect you to be consistent.  Did I share that consistency is not always where I shine?   I’m working on it.  I soooo want to finish what I start which is why I’ve started back blogging today.

I have to give myself a break.  I put more pressure on myself than anyone else does.  If I’m going to be the Good Life Diva I aspire to be, I’m going to have to learn to enjoy whatever season I’m in with this business while preparing for the next season.

What have I been up to since I last posted?

I really enjoy the potential that the internet offers moms.  I’ve been experimenting with different avenues to see what works best for me.  I’m still applying all the principles I teach others beginning withfinding work that is connected to your passions, gifts and talents (your calling).   I’ll be blogging about my adventures and the things I’m learning from other stay-at-home moms, mompreneurs and bloggers about creating work you love from home that provides an income (aka home business), saving money, raising a family and growing in our relationship with God.

I promise to be honest with you.  I will not paint the appearance of having-it-all-together, because I don’t and neither do you.   For those who do (have it all together), please teach the rest of us.

Let’s get the ball rolling….

Please, leave me a comment about your experience of being a mom who does both – doing work you love while raising a family.    What have you been wearing this year that you’ve realized you need to pack up and put away?

Other than the tried and true motto, Just Do It!, what do I have to share with you about procrastination? Is procrastination something we can conquer or is it a temptation that we have to contend with daily? Why do we (I) procrastinate? Why is it so hard to stop procrastinating even though I know it keeps me from being productive and meeting the goals I have for my life?   In other words, as the quote on a friend’s fridge reads, “Lord, why do I do what I do, when I know what I know?”

I honestly have more questions than I do answers where procrastinating is concerned.   The truth of the matter is procrastination has been a bad habit that I know I need to do something about I’m just not sure how. 

I am aware of at least two instances in which I procrastinate.   I will procrastinate about completing tasks if I feel I can’t do them perfectly. The other instance is when I’m attempting to avoid the discomfort of completing things.  Here’s the bottom line of what I recognize about the results of this avoidance in my own life.

1. It leaves me with an uneasy feeling. The uneasiness I feel when I procrastinate, weighs on my mind more than the task I need to complete.
2. The tasks I procrastinate on cause a ripple effect throughout my life.  I procrastinated on writing this post, because I wanted it to be perfect.  Now, I find myself up late at night, when I should be getting the rest I need to take care of a baby all day.  The end result of my decision to keep putting this off is I may be (very) tired tomorrow.
3. Procrastinating means I limit my choices.  A good example of this is when you need to buy a gift for a party.  When you procrastinate, you have to choose whatever you can find on short notice even when you know there are better options.

As career moms or mompreneurs we’ve decided to divide our time (more than it already would be).  This means we really must have clear priorities and diligently seek ways to be more productive.  We need ideas and strategies for dealing with our encounters with procrastination. 

As an ongoing assignment for myself I’m reading Eat That Frog: 21 Great Ways to Stop Procrastinating and Get More Done in Less Time by Brian Tracy. The premise of the book is if you eat a frog at the beginning of your day, nothing worse can happen in your day.  Your frogs are the most difficult tasks on your To-Do list.  If you eat them first they will give you the momentum and energy to complete your other tasks. (source: www.EatThatFrogmovie.com)  The principles in this book may help you, as well.  It has very brief chapters with action steps at the end of each chapter. 

I would like for this post to get us brainstorming and sharing ideas about how to break this really bad habit.   In what areas of your life do you procrastinate the most? When you know you have a tendency to procrastinate in an area, what do you use to get tasks done? Please, leave a comment.

The Good Life Diva is available for events that target women, especially mothers, who have a passion for their family and are looking to rediscover what makes them come alive.

Workshop Topics:
How to Discover and Grow the Internet Based Business that’s right for you!
Social Media for Mommies: The online conversation you’re missing out on
Trusting God with the Dream
Simple Truths About Marriage from A Mompreneur’s Perspective

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