Don’t be up in your head. This is the part that still grabs me days later.

How did she know? You’re telling me…. I’m not the only one who does this?
Whewwww! What a relief.

What happens up in your head?

• We’re convinced no one else has our same fears and concerns.
• We develop assumptions, myths and stereotypes about another person’s motivations.
• We miss out on opportunities to connect with other people.

I read a post today by Chris Brogan, entitled, We could do so much more.  He wrote about his experience at a new media networking event.  Towards the end of his post he writes,

Know what I saw more than anything else when I really took a moment to look around? Lonely people. I saw people not connecting. I saw lots of people who could’ve used a little attention. And I saw many people with lots of energy looking for a place to put it. And that means we have opportunities.

Reading this reminded me of the conference call I was on this week. My lesson from his post and my conference call is we value people when we connect with them by listening and by taking the time to really see them.

Do More…
Do more than exist. Live.
Do more than hear. Listen.
Do more than agree. Cooperate.
Do more than talk. Communicate.
Do more than grow. Bloom.
Do more than spend. Invest.
Do more than think. Create.
Do more than work. Excel.
Do more than share. Give.
Do more than decide. Discern.
Do more than consider. Commit.
Do more than forgive. Forget.
Do more than help. Serve.
Do more than coexist. Reconcile.
Do more than sing. Worship.
Do more than think. Plan.
Do more than dream. Do.
Do more than see. Perceive.
Do more than read. Apply.
Do more than receive. Reciprocate.
Do more than choose. Focus.
Do more than wish. Believe.
Do more than advise.  Help.
Do more than speak. Impart.
Do more than encourage. Inspire.
Do more than add. Multiply.
Do more than change. Improve.
Do more than reach. Stretch.
Do more than ponder. Pray.
Do more than just live. Live for Jesus.
-from “An Enemy Called Average” by John Mason

How you missed out on some opportunities to connect with your family or people you’ve met this week? What will you do differently?

doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

I don’t know if Albert Einstein said this or not.   What I do know is it describes my daily choices.   I’ve come to realize I want the rewards without the work.  I want the  glory of reaching the goal without the discipline it takes to reach it.  I like the idea of possibilities, but not the commitment it takes to see it through to reality.  Does this sound like you too?

I have a question for you.  Why do we think that even though we haven’t changed one thing about our attitudes or our actions that somehow today is the day, things will magically be different?   Insanity.  Procrastination.  Perfectionist mindset.  Whatever you want to call it.  It keeps you stuck and not moving forward.

We have to be honest with ourselves about what we need.   I have some habits to change.   Maybe what we need to change – to break free from mindsets that keep me stuck – is to be more transparent and to hold myself accountable.

While I’m working on losing this weight and building my physical muscles, I’m also working on my spiritual and mental muscles, as well.  I’m exercising patience, perseverance and discipline.   God is changing me from the inside out.   I will check in with you – the readers of this blog – by video this Friday to share my progress and the lessons I’m learning on this journey.  I’m holding myself accountable to you.  I will  do this.  I will keep this commitment to myself.  I will NOT keep exercising the same habits and expect a different result.

Have you been making the same decisions month after month and year after year and expecting that somehow this year is going to be different?    We talked about this in my post, Change is the new ME.   Again,  fast forward to December 31st of this year.   What is one thing you’ve resolved to do year after year and you haven’t done it yet?  What changes are you making this year to make it a reality?

A few years ago my husband and I began investing (on a really small scale) in real estate. We were able to experience average level success at this. We entered this arena before the housing boom started. As the market got hotter we were eager to invest more. We also encouraged friends to partner with us. It seemed almost immediately after our friends got involved our bubble and their bubble burst. In 2007 we watched slowly but steadily all the due diligence, time and money that we all had invested dwindle away. This was probably one of the most discouraging times of my life.  That season of discouragement lasted for about 2 years.  It seemed as if no amount of prayer or hard work on our part could change the situation. We prayed that our friendships and our investments would not deteriorate – fortunately the friendships that mattered most didn’t, but unfortunately the investments did.

During this time I would continually question God and ask why He would allow this to happen. Why didn’t He stop us from going through with these deals? Why couldn’t He at least change the outcomes for our friends, even if He wouldn’t change them for us? When was He going to change our situation and bring us out of this mess?

Everyday I expected that today would be the day we would wake up from this mess and it would all be over. I just knew that by the end of each month our situation would be different. It wasn’t. Nothing around me seemed to change. In fact it seemed to get worse. I was looking for God in our situation and I couldn’t seem to find him.

One day I was reading Ephesians 2:10 from an amplified version of the Bible and it came alive to me.  God has actually planned a good life for you and I. That scripture meant so much to me, because I didn’t feel like I was living a good life.  I purposed at that moment that if God had actually planned a good life for me, then I better start living it.  I made a decision that I was going to have joy in my life no matter what my circumstances looked like.

During this time,  (July 2008) I attended the She Speaks Women’s Conference hosted by Proverbs 31 ministries.   This is an annual conference that equips and encourages women called by God to take God’s peace, His perspective and His purpose back to your home and your community.   You leave with a greater sense of your unique purpose and talents.   There is a tract for writers and/or bloggers, speakers and women’s ministry leaders.    There is even a tract for teenage girls (ages 14-17) who feel called to lead through speaking, writing or by setting an example.

That weekend in 2008…

1. God confirmed in my heart and mind over and over again, though the vision tarry, wait for it.  At the appointed time it will come to pass. This is what my heart needed (and still) needs to hear so desperately.

2. On the closing night of the conference we were each told to take a card with a scripture on it.  My scriptures was 1 Peter 2:9 (But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvelous light). This scripture was significant for me, because I was a member of a Christian sorority in college.  1 Peter 2:9 was one of our foundational scriptures.

3.  I prayed to make a connection of significance with someone. Unfortunately,  I didn’t.  I have a close knit circle of friends that I’ve had for years and years.  I’m ready to allow God to enlarge my circle of influence.

Here I sit today in March 2010 about 3 years after this low point in my life.  I don’t share part of my story with you as someone who has received victory in my bank account, but I have received victory in the place that matters most – in my mind.  I’m determined to live my life with NO regrets, so here I go again chasing after my ultimate dream.  A dream that’s as much apart of me as the color of my eyes.  I’m called to be a writer.  I AM a writer.  My dream is to write HIS answer and to have it ignite life change in the lives of millions.

When I attended this conference in 2008, I played the safe route.  I chose the speaking tract, because that’s where I felt comfortable.  This year, I would like to receive the conference scholarship, because I’m going after the dream of writing my first book.

All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous (wo)men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible ~ T.E. Lawrence

Where are my other dangerous dreamers?  Has an obstacle come up in your life that’s tried to suffocate the dream inside of you? Share your dreams in the comments.  Let’s keep each other encouraged.

My family is in a season of life right now when not much seems to be changing.  We’ve been in the same home for over 9 years.  We’ve been at the same church for 13 years.   We’ve been driving the same car for about 8 years.   The majority of our friends are the same ones we’ve had for years.   I’m still trying to lose all of the 25 pounds I gained my first year of marriage almost 13 years ago.  I’m sure it’s normal and expected when you reach a certain age your life should be, well…  stable, predictable and boring drama-free.  It’s called maturity, people!

This year I’ve decided to live with no regrets.   At the end of the year I will NOT look back and think about all the things I wish I had done differently in 2010.   One of the goals I have for 2010 is to finally lose all of that 25 pounds I gained back in 1997 and maintain my goal weight for life.   My plan was that after I lost the weight I would do something I’ve never done before.  I would get myself a real haircut.  I’m talking about the hair cut that moves me out of the safety of the long hair I’ve had all my life.   Well, I thought about it and decided I did not want to put my life on hold any longer. I decided to get my hair cut before I lost any of the weight I wanted to lose.  My new look would be the inspiration I needed to take this thing all the way.  Here it is the newer version of me:

I’m ready for change.  Ready for all that God has in store for me in 2010.  Change is defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary as to undergo transformation, to shift, to move from one phase to another.    In 2010 I intend to be transformed more into the woman I was created to be, to make a shift in my attitudes and actions towards my God-given purpose and to move from the phase of being a procrastinator to a woman of action.

I’ll be sharing more of my goals and changes I’m going through this year.  It’s your turn.  (This is a conversation, after all.)  I want to know about the changes you are making, the goals you’re setting in 2010.

Fast forward to December 31st of this year.   What is one thing you’ve resolved to do year after year and you haven’t done it yet?  What changes are you making this year to make it a reality?

Tomorrow, I’ll be finishing up this series.  See you then, Good Life Divas!

Back in the early 90s when I was a college intern there were not a lot of hair salon choices for African-American women in Phoenix.   I was quite capable of doing my own hair, but I had a special occasion coming up and I wanted a more polished look.    I think I found my salon, as most women do when they move to a new city, through a referral.    I called the salon and booked my appointment.  I remember how the salon looked inside, but I don’t remember the name of it or the stylist who did my hair.   I probably blocked it out of my memory.

My appointment was early Saturday morning for a shampoo and a style.  A shampoo and a style for black women means your hair is washed, blow dryed and curled with a flat iron.   When the stylist took my hair down and saw how thick it was, I think she panicked.    She told me she wanted to do a relaxer instead.    I told her that she couldn’t because I had just washed my hair that Thursday evening.   It wasn’t that my hair couldn’t be styled without giving me a fresh relaxer treatment.  She had come to the realize my hair was not going to be as “easy” as she had expected and she needed a shortcut solution.

Again I told her, as far as I knew you could not have a relaxer within at least 72 hours of washing your hair.   She told me she would put the relaxer on really quickly and that she would only leave it on for a few minutes.  I know.  I know.  I can hear you shouting at the computer like it was a horror movie.  Don’t do it!  Don’t do it!  Against my better judgment, because I didn’t want to be seen as difficult, I let her.   As a result, I had one of the worst chemical burns I’ve ever had in my life.   Needless to say that was my first and last time going to that salon.

I allowed this woman to put a relaxer on my hair even when I knew what the outcome would be.   Only now – looking back – have I realized I should have insisted she NOT give me the relaxer.  As Doctor Phil would say, “we teach people how to treat us.”

My hair was gorgeous, but it wasn’t worth the burns.

What lessons have you learned that you thought were about your hair (or other external things) but were really about adjustments you needed to make?   Please, share in the comments below.

In case you were wondering, here’s the result of the torture hair treatment:

Hair is a very big deal in American culture.  It is very BIG business in the African-American culture, especially.   It is estimated that black hair care is currently a $9 billion industry.  WHOA!!!    One of the rites of passage for many young girls in the African-American community is getting a relaxer. This product is used to straighten kinky or course textured hair.

(Relaxers are a very controversial subject in the world of hair care.  This post is not to debate the issue of to relax or not to relax.    It is simply to share some of my (mis)adventures in the wonderful world of relaxed hair.)

I believe I was in junior high when I received my first relaxer. To be honest it was not my first choice. I begged my mother for a jheri curl…   Before you laugh, let me remind you I grew up during the 80s and 90s, so this would not be unusual.     Anyway, back to my story….   I begged my mother for a jheri curl.    What did she do?   She went to the store and bought a jheri curl kit and a relaxer kit.    I don’t remember how, but my younger sister got the jheri curl and I got the relaxer.   It seemed like the day after my mom put that jheri curl kit on my sister’s hair, curls went out of style.    I’m not kidding you.

I remember over twenty something years ago getting that first relaxer.    It felt like my mother had taken a match and set my hair on fire! My mother and many other mothers weren’t educated to the proper application of a relaxer. This resulted in many chemical burns for me over the years.

One of the worst encounters I can remember was when my mom had one of her best friends relax my hair.    She had a brilliant idea of how to keep me from having a chemical burn.   Her solution: Sea Breeze.    Pour an alcohol based product over a scalp that is basically one big open sore -  NOT one of her best ideas.   Needless, to say, I know what it’s like to have a scab crusted scalp.

One of my other top 5 worst hair days was when I was in college. One of the beautification rituals in my dorm involved doing your hair on the weekends to get ready for whatever event was happening on campus.  This particular weekend I was not able to go home for the weekend to my stylist. Therefore, like the naive (and dumb) 19 or 20 year old that I was at the time, I let my dormmate give me the relaxer.

Here’s where we went wrong.

We violated the basic rules of Relaxer 101.

Relaxer 101

• NEVER use a SUPER relaxer on your hair.   This strength relaxer should have skull and crossbones on it.
• Always use a protective coating on your scalp AND around your hairline.
• NEVER allow another naive (and dumb) 19 or 20 year old to apply your relaxer.

CAUTION, DUMMY: If you do NOT heed Relaxer 101, you will end up like me – with a huge chemical burn right on your forehead as evidence of your stupidity to the world.

I have just one more horror hair story for you tomorrow.   This story is probably one of the most revealing to me about my own personality.

These stories I’m sharing are leading up to a post I have planned about some lessons I’ve learned about my hair and my identity and I want to share them with you.   Leave me a comment about one of your horror hair stories.   If you have any pictures, we would love to see them.   We promise not to laugh (too loudly).

I’ve been doing my own hair since I was about 12 years old.  Those early days were pitiful attempts I must admit. My mother did not relinquish full control of my hair to me, but she would allow me to experiment with certain styles.  Through the years, I have gained so many hair stories.  They are funny now, but trust me they were definitely not funny at the time.  When you are a self-conscious, awkward, sensitive teen the simplest things can turn your world upside down and inside out.  I want to share a few of my stories with you before I tell you what I did.

I can still recall one of my hair stories from junior high like it was yesterday.   My mom has always done a really great job with my hair (and my two sisters).  If I’m not mistaken this story happened when I got my very first roller set.  I wanted a curly hair style.  Unfortunately, (for both of us) we had not experimented with roller sets before.  I don’t remember everything about what happened.  What I do remember is my mom taking the rollers out of my hair on the morning of school.  Instead of loose flowing curls I had very tight curls all over my head.  We thought combing through the curls would loosen them up, but it didn’t.  Consequently, I essentially ended up with a very tight curly afro.  Now don’t get me wrong, if this had been a decade earlier I would have been fine.  But, this hair fiasco happened in the 80s when big hair was the norm.  To top it off, I lived in the South where Aquanet hairspray was apart of every girl’s hair arsenal.  So, hairwise (is that a word?), this was the worst possible scenario.

I think I spent an hour in the bathroom that morning (in tears, of course) trying to free myself from one of my top 5 worst hair days.  I was in junior high at the time AND I walked to school.  I remember that day being the longest 5-7 minute walk of my life.  Needless to say, I was late for class, because I had fussed with my ‘fro for so long.  My first class of the day was band – a class where you don’t get to sit in a row and just mind your own business.  I walked into class late with the meanest face any tween can give.  It’s the don’t-mess-with-me-I’m-having-a-bad-hair-day face. (Every woman has one.)  Well, all the other students in the class understand “the face”.  The best way to describe their faces when I walked into that classroom was P-I-T-Y.  No one really gave me any eye contact – out of fear, I think.  However, my wonderfully sensitive teacher (who I couldn’t remember his name or face right now if I tried) did the dumbest thing a teacher could do in a situation like this – he put all the attention on me.  He looked at me and said, “Oh, Kendra.  I see you have a new hairstyle.”  I don’t really remember anything after that because I think I may have blacked out.  The only thing I remember happening is all the tears I had been holding in came pouring out of me.

Here’s what I envisioned:

Before you feel sorry for me, I survived.  I was actually able to laugh at some point during the day (not about my hair, of course).

Here is a pic that I found that I think would best illustrate my hairstyle: (Here’s what I got)

I have another story for you tomorrow about the reason I will never look at a bottle of Sea Breeze the same way again.

I’m sharing a few hair stories this week as I lead up to my post “I did something I’ve never done before. Change – it’s the new me.”  I would love to hear your hair stories, recent or old.  If you have a blog and a pic of a bad hair day, could we see it?